Bridging Generations During the Holidays: Grandparents' Perspectives

Are your grandparents or extended family direct? Are you putting on an armor while prepping for family gatherings? Not knowing what random comment might shoot in your direction? As the holiday season and more family events are coming up, I started to think about this on a deeper level, and why different generations might clash sometimes without intending to. I am lucky to still have my grandparents on both sides, and I asked them some “direct” questions about the generations today Gen Z and Millennials. Are we oversensitive or are their own generation too insensitive, how have they dealt with hurtful comments over the years? They were happy to share their perspective, and without invalidating anybody’s hurt feelings, it made me understand their generation on a deeper level and where this bluntness might stem from.

Their stories reveal not only how different life was for them, but also why these differences might still play a part in shaping family dynamics today.

“We Focused on Survival” – A Grandfather’s Perspective

"The art of adapting quickly to survive, and to accommodate to new environments and conditions, that rapidly changed through the times", is something my grandfather emphasises on when I ask him what might differ between the older and younger -generations today. 

He grew up during World War II, that ended when he was 7 years old, He finished school and left home to start his early career at sea only 15 years old, which was usual at the time. 

"Shortly after I decided to do the necessary schooling to one day become a captain myself. It was no admission requirements to start this education back then," he explained. Only the ambition and necessary will power to make it, I remind him proud and in admiration, while he turns on the kettle to make us something warm to drink. 

"Quality of life was different back then. More people today generally live with higher living standards compared to previous generations, which can create space for increased overthinking for some. In the times I grew up more people were focusing on survival and had less time to overthink the details,” he continues.

I ask about the life on the ship, if it was hard being away from home, as the contracts at sea usually was between 1-2 years, travelling to foreign countries far from home. 

"It was a harsh environment at time, a hierarchy where the captain was on the top of the chain. It was necessary to put aside our differences, as our crew was stuck on the boat together without a lot of supervision. I believe this forced us to solve conflicts quicker, and we mostly remained a close unit," he explains.

Which is something he also refers to in his book "He who came after the war sailors" which was published a few years ago in Norway. 

Strength Through Hardship

My grandfather on the other side of the family also left home early to work at sea. He confirms the harsh environment, but also the valuable lessons that came with it. Seeing the world, experiencing different cultures, languages etc. "The sailors and people in general at the time, were not always the most sensitive with words, but we became tough and grew from the experience". Hard moments enforced strength, and it was worth it, this is a belief my grandfathers on both sides have in common.

"If someone says something mean, only with the intention to hurt you, they are in the wrong not you," he says, when I asked him how he dealt with hurtful comments.

Strength is something he emphasises. "In the times I grew up people had to be tougher and more resilient to survive," he explains. Even though both my grandfathers grew up with different environments, and have different perspectives within politics, it strikes me that their beliefs are quite similar on this topic, even without discussing it with each other.

I ask him where he believes his strength in particular came from, already from such a young age. 

"I got a lot of strength from my grandfather. My father was absent and my mother died when I was only six years old. I got a lot of strength from my mum as well, and by facing the pain of loosing her. My grandfather was a butcher and tradesman, he took me in as a young boy when my mum passed away. I learned a lot from his strong character, he was quite a chief. The farmers used to tease him and want to get a reaction from him, but he never gave into that. I used to come with him to work, and it shaped me in many ways. I grew quite resourceful and entrepreneurial at a young age. Before I was 10 years old I took the boat into town by myself with all the blueberries I had picked, I set up my own stand in the market," he says and smiles thinking back on these memories. 

From the blueberry-sale, he quickly took it to the next level. Looking back at his career he turned out to be quite the businessman, a key figure in introducing low-cost grocery chains. He was one of the earlier developers of this strategy in his time in Bergen, Norway. He started his own grocery store called Bonus. It was a hit and people travelled from far to get the best prices. Bonus even made the newspaper for the long line of people waiting to shop. Competitors quickly adapted this strategy to achieve the same level of success. 

He eventually moved to projects within sports, politics and other business ventures over the years, before he retired. His ambition has kept him young, and the entrepreneurial mindset seems to have become a part of him, he explains:  

“Pioneer from cradle to grave, is on my business card and something I am proud to say, I believe hardships was a part of how this thinking style was formed within me from such a young age,” he concludes.

A Grandmother’s Gentle Wisdom

I also talked to my grandmother, to get a woman’s perspective from the same generation.

While my grandfather was much focused on building the store Bonus, she remained a hardworking woman at the time, a health care provider, seamstress, and raising their 4 children. It must have been tough at times. She is also one of the kindest women I know. Her advice regarding hurtful comments and how to deal with it was:

“Forgive. The person holding on to the pain is the one that will hurt the most. Forgive and move on.”

How history might still play a part in shaping family dynamics today

Hearing these stories made me realise why family gatherings can feel so intense. Many from the older generations grew up in times of scarcity and uncertainty. Their bluntness can often come from a survival mindset—not malice. Meanwhile, more of the newer generations live in an era of greater comfort and reflection, which can make us more sensitive.

This difference can create friction, especially during holidays when expectations are high. Social media often increase this pressure by showing curated perfection. While real life can be messy, but maybe that's just reality?

Even though it feels obvious that "everyone" should know when comments are insensitive, it might not have been intended maliciously. At the same time this does not mean that it is not hurtful on the receiving end of it, whether it’s intended or not.

When it comes to comments you receive as insensitive from the older generation, it might be helpful to look at the bigger picture, what might lay behind this ‘bluntness’?

Quality of life was different back then. More people today generally live with higher living standards compared to previous generations, which can create space for increased overthinking for some. In the times I grew up more people were focusing on survival and had less time to overthink the details. 

It was necessary to put aside our differences, as our crew was stuck on the boat together without a lot of supervision. I believe this forced us to solve conflicts quicker, and we mostly remained a close unit.

When it comes to hurtful comments in general, it might even be helpful to be reminded of some of the quotes from the older generation:

If someone says something mean, only with the intention to hurt you, they are in the wrong not you.

 Forgive. The person holding on to the pain is the one that will hurt the most. Forgive and move on.

Staying Curious and true to yourself 

At the same time, I also believe that setting boundaries gracefully without sinking to someone else’s level is an art in itself, and it takes practise and confidence.

I started to investigate and write this piece as a reminder to myself. I also realised many of my friends had similar feelings around family gatherings. There is a lot of pressure around the holidays. How families that usually can be super busy, should just come together and make it perfect. 

I believe the expectations and pressure only increases the tension and chances for chaos. Social media often paints a picture-perfect version of the holidays, but I am starting to wonder if the chaotic version might be more normal than we think? Just know that you are not alone in this. Our generations might have some differences, they might clash sometimes, but instead of convincing each other what is correct, maybe it’s ok to be different. It’s also ok to set boundaries. I think our generations can learn a lot from each other, and if we are patient enough to meet each other with curiosity, it may help ease pressure, and family gatherings might become more interesting.